A guide to getting naked (legally) in Melbourne – Three Thousand

It’s heating up and if you’re itching to shed the duds and liberate your skin you may be interested to know there are places where you can get your nude fix – places where no ill judgement will be made, no fines with be written and no awkward phone calls will be required to bail you out jail.

If you’re just curious about the idea of naturalism, be warned that oldies love letting it all hang and are the prominent crowd at many of these spots – as well as German Tourists. Also if you’re outside pack the sunscreen (50+++ recommended) keep your eyes to yourself (if you can) and embrace the freedom.

Nude Swimming Nights
Since 1980 The Metro East Nudist Leisure Club have enjoyed many nights of skinny dipping in an undisclosed leading sports centre in south-east Melbourne. The nights are held every third Saturday of the month from February until November for $15 a dip. If you’re interested in joining this secret society of naturalists there’s an extensive list of FAQs – I quite enjoyed number 10: “Man’s problem … What if?
Note: Bring a plate of food to enjoy with your new friends!

Japanese Bathhouses
In the back-streets of Collingwood is a low-cost, traditional styled bathhouse where wannabee nudists can take the plunge in a steamy bath in the comfort of separate gendered areas. This is good for those who like spa treatments or just like the idea of having a bath with strangers. Fresh, soft linen robes are provided as well as unlimited tea in the relaxation room.
Note: Leave your rubber ducky at home.

Nude Beaches
The combination of sand, salt water and hot sun makes for a very enticing environment to peel all your layers off and give society the finger for inventing restrictive bras and unnecessary jocks. There are four official nude beaches around Melbourne, Sunnyside North Beach (Mount Eliza), Campbell’s Cove (Werribee South) (better get there quick though because it’s about to be stripped of its nudist status due an encroaching development) , Point Impossible (Torquay) and South Side (Torquay). The ones in Torquay are the most popular clothes-optional spot with Werribee’s probably the shittiest with little sand.

Note: Remember that 50+++ sunscreen? Use it abundantly.

And now for the really adventurous…
Annual Nude Bowling – a family-friendly affair, with more than one ball on show. I wonder how they get away with not wearing bowling shoes? As Bare As You Dare – “Peacefully expose the vulnerability of cyclists, humanity and nature in the face of cars, aggression, consumerism and non-renewable energy” by flashing your bum in this annual bike ride. Or you could join one of Melbourne’s proper Naturalist’s Clubs and find meaning and acceptance and stuff in the nud.
In the immortal words of Lady Gaga, “Baby I was born this way”. Whether you want to flaunt it clothed or not, that’s up to you.

First publish on Three Thousand


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